STALEMATE AT SEA!
Our lead story in this edition is not at all a hopeful one, as the relentless fleet of Frost Goblin Longboats led by the horrific KING NULGRIFF himself have continued their showBOATING (sorry, I just had to…) up and down the coast of Valtmoor, showcasing the superior maneuverability and shocking speeds of their slim, shallow-sailing vessels.
All the while, the Naval blockade presented by ADMIRAL STODELY LYMONT maintains constant vigilance, while several feint-attacks have threatened to break the line of massive warships that defend our beloved Kingdom from naval incursion.
“They’re running circles around us.” An ANONYMOUS SAILOR wrote, “A group of ships will harass and harry, then pull away and join the larger fleet, goading us into breaking formation. We’re too slow to respond. It’ll be a death by a thousand cuts should this keep up.”
Despite numerous pleas from his Captains to openly engage the Goblin Hordes, Admiral Lymont remains firm in his tactics, stating briskly, “The line will hold, and any of my Captains who break it to engage the Frost Goblin Fleet will walk the plank as traitors. We shan’t play into Nulgriff’s icy hands.”
As grim as the grueling tension is, at least the casualties have been limited to minimal numbers, and not a single vessel in the Royal Fleet has been sunk. Though, with such lightning quick hit and run attacks, who knows how much longer that will be the case. I’m sure I speak for everyone when I wish the brave sailors involved the best of luck. Hold the line!
EDITORIAL: A MARCH OF GHOULS
We are mere days away from the late-fall yearly Trolloch tradition of GHASTMARCH, where us mere mortals take the guise of terrible, slavering monsters for one evening of the year and roam about in search of treats, candies and other delights. If I understand the custom correctly, those wearing monster costumes can excitedly say to anyone not in costume, “GHOULISH GHASTMARCH!” after which, the non-costumed person must give the monster-in-question a piece of candy or some other goody, lest bad luck befall them. Whether you believe in such superstition or not, it sure does sound fun, doesn’t it?
Recently, yours truly has become downright fascinated with this spooky holiday, and I’m glad to see it taking root in Valtmoor. The threat of King Nulgriff and his Frost Goblin hoards have brought many vile evils to the continent of Bravehold, but we must not lose focus of the good that has transpired due to the five Kingdoms united under one allied banner. Never before have so many differing cultures shared such intimate space, and I hope that Ghastmarch is the first of many new customs and traditions that will be shared and embraced between our very different peoples.
As for myself (a native of Thet’Kharoon), I can proudly say that the Kingdom of Valtmoor has opened its gracious arms and embraced me as one of her own. This spirit of unity and cooperation is a powerful force, indeed, and is bound to keep us all warm throughout the impending chill of winter. In the meantime, be sure to slip on your most frightening mask and take to the streets for treats aplenty!
ADVERTISEMENT: EACH FROTHY SIP A FEAST!
Who doesn’t like a nice pint (or six) of your favorite giggle-inducing drink after a nice, hard day? Hearty meals and sudsy spirits abound over at THE HAUGHTY HOOLIGAN, an inn and tavern located at the heart of FAIRWORD SQUARE right here in Silverleer. Owned and operated by master brewer GARRIDY SOUTHWELL, this lively domain is one where laughs come easy and troubles fade away with each celebratory sip!
Mister Southwell has spent his entire life mingling concoctions to dazzle the tastebuds and quell the thirst of all who wander through the door. Brewing has been in the Southwell family line for uncounted generations, and no other tavern in creation has a lengthier list of specialty drinks or warmer hospitality. Only the Southwell line know the secret ingredients needed to concoct their world famous WALLOPING WHISKEY, a brew so potentially and explosively volatile that a waiver must be signed by the imbiber freeing the establishment from any and all liability before each shot is (oh so carefully) poured! Come for the exceedingly dangerous drinks, but stay for the smiles :]
LETTERS FROM THE PUBLIC
Below is an assortment of paid letters, posts and advertisements that have been mailed to our offices for print. The views and opinions expressed below in no way reflect those of the Valtmoor Valiant or its employees, subsidiaries, or advertisers. Thank you.
TO ALL WOULD-BE GHOULS
I do not celebrate your blasphemous little Ghastmarch holiday. Any costumed individuals who trespass on the Hoopmire Apple Orchard may or may not be shot with my (hypothetical and in absolutely no legally binding way literal) crossbow.
-Travic Hoopmire
To me Mum,
Deployed to the front lines to serve aboard one of the ships defending the coast. Frost Goblin Longboats as far as the eye can see, zipping up and down like darts through the waves. How can we hope to catch them? Admiral Lymont is confident, but I think I need more Saints to pray to, so I started making up my own. Hopefully Valtus won’t mind.
-Your Brave Little Sailor
Old Man Murty,
I never liked working for you. You are mean. I stole a pencil from you to write this because I couldn’t afford one on the salary you were paying me. I’m leaving Valtmoor forever. I hope the Frost Goblins come and beat you up.
-Evander
P.S: I’m gonna break your stupid pencil after I get done writing this.
P.P.S: I quit. You probably guessed that.
NOW HIRING
Professional legbreaker. Must be discreet and violent. Good table manners are a must. Contact the Valiant offices for further details.
-An Ice Princess Scorned
FROST GOBLIN FLEET SIGHTED OFF VALTMOOR EASTERN COAST
Alarmed Seafarers have frantically reported a massive fleet of Frost Goblin Longboats darting along Valtmoor’s eastern coastline. Numbers report more thin, lightning quick Frost Goblin vessels than can be easily counted prowling the waves like a predator in search of its next meal.
I talked to ADMIRAL STODELY LYMONT, master of the Royal Navy, who looked a bit paler than usual as he offered the following quote, “It’s pure posturing.” The Admiral said with much conviction. “When Frost Goblins strike, they do so with immediacy and hit like lightning. This is merely a tactic to strike panic into the Kingdom. Lymont ships line our coast in defense, and not a single one has been engaged by King Nulgriff’s forces. His fleet is putting on a show, I’m certain, but should he strike, the Navy will be ready!”
Thus far, the fleet of Longboats have done nothing more than trail up and down the eastern coastline of our precious Kingdom. Personally, this reporter hopes it is indeed just blustering bravado instead of the calm before the (snow)storm.
MISSING KNIGHT?
Few will ever forget the pulse-pounding Jousting Tourney finale that saw SIR CHADWORTH emerge victorious in most thrilling fashion after a true battle for the ages. Curiously, after his memorable defeat after yielding beneath Sir Chadworth’s skilled blade, neither head nor hair of the mighty SIR HAZGROND has been seen since the Silvery Sun Festival closed out.
Being as (frighteningly) large as he is, one might find the Knight’s sudden disappearance highly suspicious. The Valtmoor Valiant reached out to DUKE MEDVIN TARRINGDON to inquire about his steely Champion’s whereabouts and received this reply from the Duke’s spokespeople: “Duke Tarringdon does not know where Sir Hazgrond is, but, were he to guess, he most likely would be found wallowing in failure and shame for letting down his beloved ruler. Naturally.”
A chilling reply, for certain. Wherever Sir Hazgrond has…gone, one thing remains clear: Duke Tarringdon is not very fond of losing.
ADVERTISEMENT: A TASTE FIT FOR A TITAN
In these troubling times, can you really afford to not be at your best? Frost Goblins rampage freely through the continent, threatening all in their wake. Lava Giants stomp about and throw their weight around wherever they please. But what does even a Giant fear?
A TITAN!
Packed full of caffeine, vital minerals and infused with enough energy to power a dozen Monstrosinators, TURBO TITAN ENERGY DRANK is a new and improved health tonic sold exclusively at the FIZZY BOTTLES potion shop in Fairword Square. Each and every draught of Turbo Titan is brewed personally by the one and only MADAM PARMINA and is made with only the freshest all-natural ingredients. Each sip provides a jolt of rejuvenating energy as well as a shockingly crisp, refreshing clam flavor (Madam Parmina’s clam tastes great!).
So, buy yourself a can and charge up from a titmouse into a titan today!
RELIQUARY FRAUDSTERS APPREHENDED
A troubling course of events has taken place in Silverleer over the past few weeks, which saw a small ring of charlatans selling “Holy Relics” to frightened Serfs at outrageous prices. While the names of those incarcerated have not been released, SHERIFF EBBHART LONGBARROW took some time out of his busy day to give the Valiant his thoughts, “Utterly abominable!” He exclaimed tersely. “To prey upon the trusting populace AND blaspheme against the Church in the same crime? There isn’t a cell in my dungeons dank enough to hold such churls, but I know someone who would very much like to have a word with these silver-tongued blackhearts.”
Evidence seized by the good Sheriff includes several highly suspicious “Artifacts” such as THE HOLY FLY SWATTER OF SAINT TERMANTINE, THE SACRED DENTURES OF SAINT CHATTERTON, and (perhaps most stylishly) THE BLESSED SUNGLASSES OF SAINT FONZERELLI. Now, I’m no church scholar, but I’m willing to bet my coils that very few of these items hold even a modicum of divine power.
Custody of the apprehended was granted to GRAND INQUISITOR LEYDIAN RACKLEY, who calmly stated, “I am most confident that The Silver Inquisition will root out every member of this ring of counterfeiters and effectively voice the displeasure of the Silver Liege and his host of Saints. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some tools to sharpen.”
A GATHERING OF DUKES
In response to the grim warning of King Nulgriff during the conclusion of the Silvery Sun Festival, KING ROYCELAND FALDAIN has announced a ROYAL CONCLAVE to be held in upcoming weeks, where Dukes and dignitaries from Duchies throughout Valtmoor will meet to discuss how best to deal with the most recent Frost Goblin activity. “I am confident that with the combined wisdom of Valtmoor’s esteemed Dukes and Duchesses, there is no adversity we cannot overcome.” The King proudly proclaimed in a statement to the press.
Important nobles and luminaries are set to attend this grand meeting, which is (naturally) sealed off to the public. The date and location of the massive event are being kept secret due to national security, but I attempted to get more information from none other than the King’s Spymaster himself, LORD CYCAST NENTALLOW, who gave little more than a sly smile and a highly dubious, “No comment.” before departing. Figures…
It is expected that Dukes and Duchesses from all the major Duchies in Valtmoor will be in attendance, as well as a gaggle of other important onlookers. I wouldn’t be surprised if delegates from the Kingdoms surrounding Valtmoor were in attendance as well as a display of unity in these troubling times. Oh, to be a fly on the wall!
TERRIBLE TECTONIC TREMORS TOTALLY TERRIFY
The offices at the Valiant have received word from numerous sources about a series of violent seismic activity rattling areas around our fair Kingdom of Valtmoor. Horrified witnesses report feeling potent, earthquake-like rumbling at odd intervals. Luckily, no significant injury to bystanders or structural damage has been reported as of this writing.
“Earthquakes are quite a rare occurrence in Valtmoor, and natural events can safely be ruled out.” said LORD THIGBERT STRIVANY, one of the colossal big-brains of the hallowed Strivany family, who kindly took some of his valuable time to speak with me. “Whatever the cause of these violent tremors, their path seems to be leading away from Silverleer. This, at least, is somewhat good news. I still remain cautious, however.”
First, a frosty warning from the Goblin King himself, and now earthquakes to boot? Surely, The Fates are assuring that this Autumn begins with excitement aplenty.
LAUGHTER IN A TROUBLED TIME
None of us can forget the riotous and award-winning performance of stand up comedian FERGAL THE EX-SHEPHERD that brought down the house at this year’s Silvery Sun Festival.
With his singular wit and crushingly sharp observances, this once humble Serf has taken the Kingdom by storm, undergoing a five-Duchy tour where he will deliver his hilarious one man show to delighted audiences far and wide.
Early reports indicate sold out shows and stomach-cramped audiences howling with laughter at the cutting comedic stylings of this fan favorite. Fergal’s most recent show at TRIPLEBEAK HILL even had reports of the ever-scowling DUKE MEDVIN TARRINGDON attending the performance, and he was reported to even crack something quite close to a smile during the routine. I reached out to some of the Duke’s handlers for comment, “The reports of Duke Tarrington’s smile are greatly exaggerated. His Grace merely needed to sneeze, I assure you.”
Not everyone is a fan of this controversial comedic talent, however. “I’m not a fan.” TROYLAN THE TUNEFUL curtly remarked before turning on a heel and briskly walking away. While his acerbic stylings are certainly not for everyone, we at the Valiant wish Fergal nothing but the best in his single-man crusade to bring laughter to a beleaguered Kingdom.
FLIMSY FAD OR NEW YEARLY TRADITION?
Since the Five Great Kingdoms set aside their cultural differences and saw fit to intermingle freely, this has brought an onrush of new, foreign traditions and celebrations that can intrigue and delight, and one that is picking up particular steam is the Trolloch Autumnal tradition of GHASTMARCH, which sees Trollochs dress up as their favorite gremlin or ghouly and skulk about for one evening of the year. During this 12 hour period, it is said that no Monster in the entire Kingdom of Bleakharrow is allowed to attack anyone for any reason.
The origins of Ghastmarch trail back centuries, as once each and every single year, there is a single evening where all Monsters in the entire Kingdom hibernate, bringing a much needed rest to the residents of this dark domain. To celebrate, the relieved Trollochs dress up as their favorite monster to (depending on who you ask) either mock, mimic, or pay homage. Since the great intermingling of the Five Kingdoms of Bravehold, Ghastmarch has caught on like wildfire with the Valtborn, and while seen as blasphemous or macabre by some, many are having a dandy time with the fall festivities.
“I’m gonna go as a Shriekfeather this year.” An excited Serf told me. “Been practicing screaming real loud and everything. I think I even cracked a window last time! I just have to pluck more of my chickens and invest heavily in non-toxic glue…”
As you might expect, not everyone takes kindly to the rising popularity of this celebration. “It is no laughing matter to dress in the guise of profane, hungry fiends. This manner of idolatry is the type of flippant behavior that sees us enduring the current calamities that befall us.” mused GRAND INQUISITOR LEYDIUS RACKLEY, who was not in a very festive mood. “Importing these foul customs from strange lands will lead to the Kingdom’s undoing.” Strong words backed by even stronger conviction, for certain.
Whatever your thoughts on the matter, this Autumn is already starting off with a bang!
A SILVER SUN SETS
Another year, another glorious installment of the SILVERY SUN festival. This year’s event was truly memorable for more than one reason (how about that ending, huh?). Fear not, dear reader, for this issue of the Valiant will not focus on what may or may not come, but instead, I offer the following COMPREHENSIVE coverage of the Silvery Sun Festival that just concluded. Truly, it was an event for the ages that shall be commemorated for all time.
Festivities began with wise, bolstering words from the beloved ruler of Silverleer himself, as KING ROYCELAND FALDAIN addressed his loyal subjects, assuring them that no tyrant or warlord would ever dampen the spirits of the Silvery Sun Festival, kicking off events with the spirit of unity and camaraderie in the face of opposition.
This year’s TALENT SHOW was quite an entertaining experience, with FERGAL THE EX-SHEPHERD taking the trophy after his raucous stand-up comedy routine. The crowd went wild after his explosive set, and I managed to get a small word with this new star of the stage. The former sheep-wrangler remarked stoically, “I just tell it like it is. Real recognizes real.”
Day two began with the annual STERLING MASS, where a who’s who of the faithful spoke on the tenets of Valtus and their importance in today’s topsy-turvy world. Each divine speaker shared their particular view on the most important aspect of the Silver Liege’s teachings, leaving it up to each believer which was most important to a faith-driven life. Where do you stand, dear reader? What of Valtus’ noble tenets do you strive to emulate and adhere to? Civility and the letter of the law? Unshakable courage and steely nerve? Or is community the true recipe for a good life?
Following the sacred Mass, an awed crowd surrounded LORD THIGBERT STRIVANY’s newest contraption, THE MONSTROSINATOR, where a heart-pounding race took place, seeing none other than EXXOLOCUS of the Order of the Stone Weasel not only survive the race, but complete the obstinate obstacle course with all his limbs in tact! When I spoke to him about his adrenaline-fueled victoryjust moments after it was achieved, he noted, “I saw the false mountain... and awakened inside me was a goal. All that matters is the challenge. Going against others is good. The real opponent is oneself. You battle against anything holding you back, by mind or body. It helps to have other reasons too. I did it for the honor of my order and for myself. I was moved by Father Embryway's sermon referring to courage...courage is vital. I also did it for... Parmina, for like the great challenge of reaching the top of the false mountain; I hope to win her heart. Perhaps Lord Strivany will create new wonders for me and others to go up against. I am a Marinaut of action not words... so I do not have much more to say…”
The main event of the Festival truly delivered, as the JOUSTING TOURNEY saw exciting clashes between the brave armored Knights of the realm cross lances in an epic showdown that came down to SIR CHADWORTH of Silverleer face off against SIR HAZGROND of Triplebeak Hill in a match of raw power against flair and panache. As the dramatic fight unfolded, Sir Chadworth snatched victory from the jaws of defeat and brought the crowd to their feet with his stirring victory. The maidens of the Kingdom rejoiced as the Festival came to its close and the dashing Knight of Silverleer stood tall.
In the end, the Silvery Sun Festival completed its goal: to bolster spirit and unite the people. I think we can all agree that after the events that followed the Jousting Tourney, that spirit and community will certainly be tested…
POWER VACUUM IN PUG TOWN?
Far from the sterling streets of Challery Lane or the holy statues of Valtenburg, PUG TOWN lays a forgotten wretch of a ward that inhabits our fair city of Silverleer, dear reader. Many say that only the truly unlucky or absolute dregs of society find themselves in this lowly part of Silverleer, but can they really be blamed? Are we not all subject to the whims of fortune? Whatever the case, residents of Pug Town have all suffered with rampant gang violence as the countless criminal bands that operate there struggle and jockey for power amidst a victimized populace.
SMOOT’S LOOTERS were once in firm control of Pug Town, holding something of a tenuous truce between the warring factions. Now that the cunning Lepkin leader, SMOOT, has been apprehended and currently rots in Silverleer’s dungeons, rival gangs now scramble to see who will take the throne as the Ward of Pug Town’s leading criminal force. At present, these small hooligan bands are fractured and without a figurehead, but all it would take is a single leader charismatic enough to hold the grimy reigns of leadership, and Silverleer could just be dealing with a fresh new crime wave atop all of its other serious concerns. With the rival gangs of Pug Town all clawing for the crown, it’s anyone’s guess as to who will come away in power. Meanwhile, the disenfranchised residents of the Ward brace for bloodshed.
ABANDONED TRANSPORT VESSEL FOUND SCUTTLED OFF SHORE
A massive transport ship was found self-sunk earlier this week by patrolling House Lymont ships. Absolutely massive in size and completely bereft of cargo or crew, this mysterious vessel’s payload seemed to have vanished without so much as a trace. I spoke with ADMIRAL STODELY LYMONT himself about the strange discovery.
“A diversionary tactic and nothing more.” The Admiral proudly proclaimed. “I’ve had the surrounding areas combed thoroughly, and not so much as a set of footprints have been found. This transport is nothing but a red herring to throw our forces off the scent of something far grander and more nefarious. I’m certain of it.”
One can only hope that the Admiral’s words are true, as reports claim that whatever this transport vessel was carrying, it must have surely been of truly gargantuan size.
WINTER COMES EARLY IN DIRE WARNING
There’s no use beating around the bush, dear reader, as the talk of the Kingdom isn’t so much what occurred at the Silvery Sun Festival, but the chilly warning that concluded it. Lightning split the skies above and the seasonal warmth was shattered by a chilling breeze that froze the spirits of all in attendance, as the voice of the Frost Goblin KING NULGRIFF rattled through the frozen air, speaking of which poor settlement in creation would be next on the King’s campaign of conquest. I spoke to numerous citizens about the dramatic threat to gauge the temperature of the people.
“I’m leaving!” an anonymous Serf said in breathy panic. “It’s obvious that Nulgriff has targeted Silverleer next, and I won’t be a part of Wrackhagen: The Sequel!”
“King Faldain has taken this dire warning most seriously, and has doubled patrols and invested in hiring and training more Town Guard. The people of Silverleer will be safe, I assure you.” Spoke SHERIFF EBBHART LONGBARROW, who looked a bit more on edge than usual.
“I don’t care what King Nulgriff says. Let him come.” came the courageous tones of another concerned citizen. “I was at the STERLING MASS and heard the words of unity and courage in the face of adversity preached there. The Frost Goblins will find a united people here should they siege our walls. Valtus is with us.”
No matter what side of the issue you take, dear reader, one thing is most certainly true: The summer has undoubtedly ended.
VILE BANDIT APPREHENDED
Law abiding citizens can rest just a bit easier these days, as this grateful reporter has just been informed that the wily Lepkin highwayman known only as SMOOT has finally been collared and is currently enjoying a relaxing vacation in the Silverleer Dungeons. Leader of the rowdy band known as SMOOT’S LOOTERS, the foul Lepkin and his band of troublemakers have been responsible for numerous robberies along the Chalice road, but it seems that they have recently upgraded from common banditry to foul kidnapping!
Shockingly, Smoot and his Looters lured young RONTMAN BANDERWAITHE into their hideout and abducted him with the aims of ransoming back to his wealthy (and eccentric) family. The young Architect was good enough to give his thoughts on the entire affair to the Valiant, stating: “Yea, it was a grand adventure. Definitely rescued by the Order of the Stone Weasel. I was an excellent hostage.”
With the Silverleer Chapterhouse of the Order only recently opened, the outlying area is already infinitely richer for the return of this noble and brave Guild of folks. The Valtmoor Valiant and the Banderwaithe family extend their thanks and gratitude to all involved!
A RIVALRY FOR THE AGES
As you might expect, the kingdom is in a tizzy over the upcoming SILVERY SUN FESTIVAL, which is mere days away and promises to be a riotously good time. Festival-goers can expect all manner of excitement, from live performances to games, prizes, and other delights. Though, ask your average peasant about what the real main event of the festival is, and they’ll undoubtedly say that the annual JOUSTING TOURNEY is what most people are looking forward to most.
The heavy favorite to win is, of course, Silverleer’s own SIR CHADWORTH, but a new challenger from the Duchy of Triplebeak Hill, SIR HAZGROND is being personally sponsored by DUKE MEDVIN TARRINGTON himself. The Duke is so invested in claiming the Jousting championship for his Duchy that he will attend the Silvery Sun Festival himself, making a very rare public appearance. This recent rivalry of plate-covered beefcakes is growing more and more heated, and these rival Knights promise to give the people of Silverleer a show they will never forget!
I managed to attain an exclusive interview with Sir Hazgrond himself recently, and when asked what Sir Chadworth can expect in just a few days when the Joust Tourney commences, he answered simply with, “Pain.” before resuming his training. A man of few words!
SAINT AMONG SHEEP
In this heart-wrenching story, an anonymous citizen of Silverleer has written a touching tribute to a wooly companion and paid to have it printed in the paper. We gladly transcribe this emotional poem below.
O, my fluffy beloved, who makes my heart beat
How I shall miss your soothing bleats
And cloven feets
Lost forever to the unfortunate flames
Thanks to a certain vile God that shall not be named
I cooked you by accident, and for this I feel shamed
But your memory shall forever live on
In my heart and this poem, for my word is my bond
With a tear in my eye, I give all my well-wishes and empathy to this grieving soul, and hope that this touching outpouring of emotion will help soothe the pain of losing a loved one.
THE DANCING DEAD
The normally quiet Hamlet of OGGLEMARD has recently reported a strange outbreak of a rather curious disease that has afflicted the populace. Strangely, none of the victims have been living. That’s right, dear reader, the strange events of Ogglemard seem to afflict the dead exclusively.
Outrageous reports depict corpses rising from their own humble graves and enacting in strange midnight revelries, where the skeletal remains actually cut a mean rug and dance to imaginary music that only they can seemingly hear. These frollicking corpses have been witnessed by dozens of Ogglemard residents, but no reports of harm have been issued. Nonetheless, this freaky occurrence has caused the Hamlet to reach out to Silverleer’s own SHERIFF EBBHART LONGBARROW to investigate.
I managed to get a few words from the Sheriff himself, who stated confidently, “Legally, my hands are tied. The corpses in question have not threatened or harmed anyone, and last I checked, dancing is not an overly egregious offense. The restless dead have rights, too!”
Well said, Sheriff. Well said.
SILVERY SUN FESTIVAL TOURNEY PREPARATIONS BEGIN
One of the most long standing traditions in Silverleer is the famed SILVERY SUN FESTIVAL that occurs each and every blustery Summer in our beloved Capital. Festival goers can enjoy delicious food, exciting games, and witness thrilling jousts throughout the entirety of the festivities.
Speaking of jousts, the heavy favorite to win the annual jousting tourney is the wildly popular Knight of the Realm SIR CHADWORTH, who took the time to address the competition in this exclusive interview. “I implore any other participants in the joust to invest heavily in health insurance in anticipation of my obvious victory.” Confident much? Surely, every young maiden in the Kingdom will be in attendance when the dashing Knight takes the field.
Many, however, are not so optimistic about a celebration in the midst of the Frost Goblin Campaign. Many whisper that with KING NULGRIFF and his frenzied legions on the loose and terrorizing Bravehold, perhaps now is not the time to celebrate. I had the honor of speaking with KING ROYCELAND FALDAIN himself about the matter, in which he said the following, “Cancel the Silvery Sun Festival? Nonsense! The festival is a yearly tradition that brings together the people of this Kingdom, and that type of unity is precisely what we need right now, even in the face of our current woes. If anything, we must revel and raise our voices as one to prove to any would-be conqueror that the five great Kingdoms of Bravehold have a spirit that cannot be bowed!”
The King’s optimism is certainly infectious, and the entire Kingdom is abuzz in preparation for the grand festival and Tourney. See you there!
WORRISOME ACTIVITY AMIDST THE WAVES?
As we all know, the noble LYMONT FAMILY are most comfortable out on the seas, and their unsinkable ships make up the vast bulk of the Kingdom’s imposing navy. The current patriarch of the family, ADMIRAL STODELY LYMONT took some time out of his busy day to speak with me about some recent activity reported on the foamy seas that separate our beloved Kingdom from the horrific lands of GOBLUND, the very heart of King Nulgriff’s brutal campaign. I, ace reporter Taloo Sadat, present the interview in its entirety below.
TS: The Valiant offices have been flooded with reports that the Frost Goblins are up to something BIG, Admiral, and port production off the shores of Goblund are said to be increasing at a drastic rate. Care to comment?
SL: My dear girl, the Frost Goblins are seafaring people. Their ports are always lively with new construction. This is nothing new.
TS: Even so, my sources tell me that this ramp up in production is unlike their normal output. Reports say that some manner of obscenely large vessel is being constructed. As the head of the Navy, does this worry you?
SL: King Nulgriff and his forces are in wartime. For every longboat they build, a Lymont ship sinks four. IF this increase in production is true, the reason for it is our indomitable mastery of the waves! Besides, the Frost Goblin navy is made of light, fast ships designed for hit and run engagements. It is simply not in their manner of warfare to build anything terrifyingly large.
TS: I see. But, is it not true that King Nulgriff also has liberated the creative inventors of Mistletopia Village to his cause? The Little Helpers that live there are quite industrious and design all manner of contraptions. Perhaps they are working on a new weapon?
SL: Preposterous! I am focused on the events at hand, madam! Not silly rumors and hypotheticals. Whatever King Nulgriff and his lackeys have in store for the ocean, the Lymonts will be ready.
TS: I do hope that you’re right, Admiral.
We at the Valiant would like to personally thank Admiral Lymont for taking the time to speak to us, and wish him and his noble seafaring line the absolute best, as the Lymonts are the last line of defense of Valtmoor’s shores.
STRANGE SQUAWKING SUDDENLY SILENCED
Reports of a loud, rather unpleasant wailing emanating from the eerie peak of MOUNT HARKSPIRE have come across this reporter’s desk on more than a few occasions, but no source of the unpleasant alarm clock has ever been uncovered. Many claim that it is the wailing of a nefarious ghost that haunts the lofty peaks of the mountain, while others swear it’s just the latest “hit” single from Peasant Upryzing being played on a cruel, cruel loop.
Whatever the truth might be, as quickly as this strange occurrence began, it has seemingly ended, with our offices here at the Valiant being delivered a plain stone tablet with a mysterious, unsigned missive scrawled upon it in a very graceful hand that I personally believe may hold connection to recent events. Below is the odd, rather specific transcript:
“Blessed silence! A thousand thanks for your aid in this matter. I’m glad I didn’t have to bury any of you. Back is feeling a bit better. You know who you are.”
ADVERTISEMENT: DOTH ONE DARE NEGLECT THEIR SKIN CARE?
Let’s face it, ladies, we have special needs. Personally, when my scales get dry, I stock up on some lush lavender lotion over at FIZZY BOTTLES, your one stop shop for all manner of tonics, elixirs and salves. Whether you’re looking to poison a political rival (allegedly) or stock up on truth serum to accidentally drip into your unfaithful Husband’s porridge, this one stop wonder shop has precisely what you need!
Located conveniently in Fairword Square, Fizzy Bottles is owned and operated by the illustrious MADAM PARMINA, who has had a lifelong fascination with mixing chemicals since she was a rather rambunctious child. After being kicked out politely asked to leave her childhood home after a rather unfortunate younger-brother poisoning, she has devoted her life to the bottling arts. Stop by today and let the good Madam know that TaLOO sent YOU!
AN ANCIENT ORDER ARISES
We have all heard the fabled legends of the heroic deeds and services of the famed Order of the Stone Weasel, have we not? Even in my native homeland of Thet’Kharoon, the majestic tales of bold men and women who dive headlong into danger abound, merely thought of as the stuff of legend and remnants of a time long gone. But now, with war on the horizon and the sacking of the Trolloch port city of Wrackhagen, the Fates themselves seem set on delivering dire times to all the Kingdoms of Bravehold. The slavering Frost Goblins and their frozen allies march forth in their bloody campaign, leaving the common folk to quiver and stew in their uncertainty.
But, alas! When things become darkest, long abandoned Chapter Houses of the famed Order once more light their sconces and set ablaze their hearths, and the strangled call of the commoner is answered by a new set of righteous, selfless heroes! This reporter brims with excitement and inspiration at the return of this sacred Guild, and in an instance, the torch of hope burns bright enough to start a conflagration the likes of which just may blaze hot enough to thaw the rising, frosty tide. Serf, Noble and Clergyman alike all rejoice at the return of this hallowed organization, which always seems to revive its roster when the perils of the world threaten to plunge all of Nezdriodel into darkness.
Calling all heroes and would-be legends: Your time has come!
HAUNTING HISTORICAL HIJINKS
A puzzling discovery was made at the Silverleer Scriptoria earlier this week when a handful of precious tomes seemingly were rewritten to include false dates and altered facts. As your dutiful agent of truth and sincerity, I, ACE REPORTER Taloo Sadat made my way down to the Scriptoria to speak personally with the Scrollkeeper of the vaunted old collection of scrolls and priceless lore. Loremaster Olyton Strivany was kind enough to grant me the following EXCLUSIVE interview.
OS: It really is quite strange. A few of the scribes noticed that some of the dates and places and events in some of our scrolls and records seem to have been altered, and in some instances, rewritten entirely! As we all know, the Scriptoria is the finest collection of gathered lore and historical facts in all of Creation, and to have these kinds of blatant inaccuracies in these timeless documents is troubling indeed.
TS: My word! Has simple vandalism or tampering been ruled out as a cause? Perhaps the Scriptoria has come down with a case of Scroll Eaters?
OS: Oh, this is no mere case of vandalism, and Scroll Eaters devour historical records, not alter them. I would soundly rule out those two culprits.
TS: What do the wizened minds of the Silverleer Scriptoria intend to do to combat this mysterious issue? For the very sake of history itself, our readers must know!
OS: Well, I have personally tasked each scribe in the Scriptoria to read through and correct every volume under our purview to insure accuracy in all times, dates, and facts held within these ever precious manuscripts while the events are being thoroughly investigated. We have reached out to the Order of the Stone Weasel to aid us in rooting out the cause of all this strangeness.
TS: The Order of the Stone Weasel! My word, the erudite minds of the Silverleer Scriptoria certainly do not seem to be taking this matter lightly.
OS: Darn Skippy.
What kind of strangeness is tampering with the very facts of history? How can we believe what is true if we have no recollection of our past? Are EXTRATERRESTRIALS involved? I certainly have my own theories on the matter, but will be following up extensively on this strange case.
LETTERS FROM THE PUBLIC
Below is an assortment of paid letters, posts and advertisements that have been mailed to our offices for print. The views and opinions expressed below in no way reflect those of the Valtmoor Valiant or its employees, subsidiaries, or advertisers. Thank you.
To the Marinaut cur that deflowered my daughter,
I’m going to find you, gut you, and bake you like a salmon.
-Anonymous
PAID ADVERTISEMENT
Your life is worth more than this season’s harvest! Stop breaking your back in service to uncaring nobles and sneering clergy! Toiling Serfs are the foundation that this shattered empire is built upon, and it’s time to reclaim what is rightfully yours! Come join the righteous rock and roll revolution and take your power back! PEASANT UPRYZING is the hottest new band in Bravehold, and will be embarking on a Kingdom Wide tour this summer. Dates and venues incoming.
To my dearest Bethany,
It fills me with dread to leave your side, but alas, the entirety of creation is under threat by forces more nefarious than I dare to describe. I must risk my life to contribute to its safety, so that we might have the peaceful world that our timeless love deserves. I shall write to you often, and think of you infinitely more. Forgive me.
Ever your loving snugglebum,
-TB
FOR SALE
One slightly misbehaved Serf child. Hard worker. All limbs and digits intact. Will consider all serious offers, and even some not-so-serious ones. Mostly housebroken. Interested parties should leave their contact information under the yellow candle suspiciously placed on the burnt tree stump three miles north of Chalice Road.
EDITORIAL: A GHASTLY ADDICTION
Surely, you’ve heard of the sinister new street drug that has swept Bravehold by storm and entangled countless poor souls in its ethereal clutches. ECTOGASM was devised by the unhinged Trolloch Necromancer prodigy Nadja Nostrivaine, the sole survivor of the destruction of Wrackhagen, who used the disaster to her advantage, and found a method to distill the mournful souls of the dead into an actual Ectoplasmic goo that can be dropped on the tongue to deliver a jolt of pure, unfiltered emotion into the imbiber. Euphoric to the point of being instantly-addictive, the Ectogasm trade exploded out of Bleakharrow and has now infected most corners of creation, with Miss Nostrivaine’s undead zombie dealers spreading her nefarious influence and stuffing the demented child’s coffers with grimey coin.
What kind of person makes a business out of churning the souls of the dearly departed into a drug to be consumed and discarded? What kind of society do we live in where the emotions and memories of the dead are commodified and devoured? And furthermore, WHERE ARE THIS LITTLE GIRL’S PARENTS? Have we sunk so low in these trying times? Surely, the Gods shake their collective heads as they watch events unfold below their peerless gaze.
Indeed, the Frost Goblin Campaign headed by King Nulgriff has unleashed travesty upon travesty in recent months, and the wholesale destruction of Wrackhagen has shocked the populace into morose despondency, but for all that is sacred, we can persevere without chemical cannibalism! Respect the emotions and experiences of the dead and let their snuffed out souls wander in peace without further injury. I am just a humble reporter, but heed my words for a better tomorrow: JUST SAY NO!
